Belief
by Try Me Hot
Summary: Belief. The mental act, condition, or habit of placing trust or confidence in another. Shepard & Ashley romance. Takes place after the death of Udina.


The reapers were here, the critical deadline growing ever nearer.

And more problems, problems, and more _problems_. All the damned responsibility in the galaxy, every difficult decision being heaped upon him. Some things never change.

Shepard frowned distastefully at the cards he held.

"I'm kicking your ass here, Loco. You're not even trying," James boasted, smirking.

John shot back. "I'm getting bad hands."

James hadn't been inaccurate with that statement. Shepard was distracted, unfocused and with reason. Apparently, exhaustion was another problem waiting to happen to him. Lately, he'd been unable to sleep peacefully at night, and at this point the only thing that was keeping him up was sheer adrenaline. There simply was too much weight on his shoulders, and thoughts on his mind at the moment to sit down and focus competitively on a usual friendly game of cards that only had a few credits on the line.

With a glare over his cards, James accused, "You're playing shitty cards."

"Either way, you win."

"Yes, I do," he said. "You want a beer?"

It sounded tempting, but it wasn't where his head needed to be at. Shepard shuffled his cards in his hands then placed them face-down on the table, and glared levelly at the stocky marine across from him.

"You do realize that the only beer we've got stocked is basically warm piss in a tin can, right?"

James grinned. "Didn't know you were so high maintenance, Commander. Or then again, maybe I did."

"Is this about me having my own cabin again?" Shepard asked. "If it makes you feel any better lieutenant its not technically mine."

James waved the thought away. "Nah, it's not that. I'm over it."

"Took you long enough."

James snorted a half laugh. "What's eating away at you, Boss? We've ploughed through all kinds of heavy shit each day, and I've never seen you this unfocused. I mean, sure… today was rough, but…"

For a moment, Shepard opened up a little to his fellow comrade. "A lot has happened today. Guess I'm still absorbing most of it."

"Hey. I get it, I get it," James claimed. He let out a low whistle, tilted his head back and looked upwards at the ceiling. "Cerberus attacking the citadel and C-sec HQ….? That's a ballsy thing to do. In a weird way, you gotta admire it."

"I don't see how. Most of them are indoctrinated, they don't know any better."

"I suppose you're right," James agreed with a rueful head shake. "Puppets on a string."

"Yeah."

Shepard nodded listlessly, the back of his mind thinking of all the different things that needed to be done after today, and his body moving to do none of them. Instead he was trying to focus on the more personal issues. Thane was dead. Udina was dead. There had been a brief moment back there, that had involved Shepard staring down the barrel of a gun, held by his own marine. It was a lot to take in, and more than any man should have to endure in one day. But this was a war, and times were desperate.

James spoke up again. "Anyway, I'm telling you, a good drink will make you feel a helluva a lot better. It'll give you a chance to air some shit out, too. Everyone needs to vent."

He forced a smirk then. "Are we here to share our feelings or to play cards?"

"Depends. You up for that drink?"

Shepard considered it for a moment. Like really considered it. At times like this he was almost driven to drink.

"I'll pass on it, James. Thanks," he finally said.

With that, James stood up. "Suit yourself." He flicked a thumb behind him at the exit. "Think I'll head back down and grab a coupla bottles with Esteban."

"You do that."

Shepard swatted at James' ankles as he walked past with his winnings like a smug bastard.

"Adios loco," James called over his shoulder as he left the room.

When the door swished shut, Shepard was left with nothing but the silent hum of the ship and his conflicted thoughts to keep him company. That granted him some time to process things. Shepard stood, rubbed his face with his hands, and took a deep breath. He ran his fingers over his hair a few times, feeling the familiar brush of it against his fingertips in an attempt to collect himself.

"EDI?" He called out to the air.

"Yes, Shepard?" was the plain the response.

"Any more info on our assassin yet?"

"None. Although, C-sec have several of their top detectives on the case."

_Several - not enough. _He needed results, and he needed them now.

"Did they get anything more from the feeds?" he asked.

"No, all surveillance systems were infected during the attack. However, C-sec has assured the public its force is investigating accordingly."

He sighed heavily and slumped down in his chair again. "Thank you, EDI."

Shepard thought over things again. What was Cerberus attempting? He had never trusted the Illusive man, never. How can you trust a man you have never seen in the flesh? Instead, he cooperated with him out of pure necessity. The Illusive man was too shady for trust, and his actions certainly hadn't helped his cause one bit. Still, it was unlike Cerberus to go all out and invade the citadel directly with a huge ground force. He hadn't been the target this time, but who's to say what Cerberus would plan next?

Anything could be possible.

Maybe they would try something stupid and try to kill him.

He would be ready for them. No more slip ups. Especially not the kind that costs lives.

It was all over so quick, and he would never forget Thane. Although they were different in many ways, Shepard could see the good rooted in him as plain as day. He was honourable for an assassin which was rare to find, and John considered him a true friend. Who would've thought that somebody he'd only scrounged up for a suicide mission, usually in return for a favour for a favour would actually become that. Many of his crew were. But his crew was still his crew no matter where they were, or their origins.

Thane's time had always been limited by his aggressive disease, and in the back of his mind, John had known that the unfortunate day had always been drawing closer. Now, the assassin was gone, and he would be solely missed, and not only as an asset to the mission.

In a sense, Shepard couldn't have pictured Thane passing on peacefully in some hospital bed with warm blankets wrapped tightly around him. The man went down fighting, saving the Salarian councilor's life in the process. Wherever Thane was now, Shepard suspected the Drell wouldn't be up there alone for too long. At the end of this war, realistically he couldn't see himself walking away from this in one piece either. This war would claim him.

It already had.

He just hoped it didn't claim anybody else.

But that was a pointless wish that wasn't going to happen.

Back to reality.

John sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face, restlessly. His neck felt unusually heavy these days. His wandering thoughts drifted to Ashley next. The threat that loomed over them made it hard to reconnect with the woman. He wondered how she was handling things now. They'd talked shortly after the whole ordeal, privately in the docking-bay, when she'd requested his permission to serve on the Normandy with him again— it's where she wanted to be. That was a no-brainer for Shepard. Not only was Ashley superb with a gun in battle, John just felt better having her close, watching his back like the old days. A lot of his friends weren't around anymore, so he was insanely glad and relieved that Ash wasn't included in that ever-expanding list. He can't stand the thought of Ashley joining Kaidan. What a waste that would be. Both he, and Ash owed it to Kaidan to see this through together. And his crew didn't need any more bad news. Team unity was important, now more than ever.

If anything had happened to her today…

It doesn't matter, he told himself.

Well, maybe one day he'll get the chance. But it isn't today.

Today they're not ready. He's not ready. He was making the considerable effort not to let his emotions control him, with his history, and with what lay ahead, it wasn't a good state for him to be in. After Horizon, he vowed never to let himself get that close to anyone under his Command again. He'd keep his feelings, and his thoughts to himself. The suicide mission turned out to be an remarkable success because she wasn't there, clouding his thoughts.

It's just harder this time, because she is constantly there, reminding him of what he lost.

He doesn't like that feeling of loss - he hates it.

Shepard realized he needed to see how she was doing, it was beginning to eat away at him. He made the decision to get up and go check in on Ash. If she wanted to, or if he deemed it necessary, talking things out, couldn't hurt.

With that thought fuelling him, Shepard stood up and strode purposefully towards the starboard observation where he knew Ashley had recently packed up shop. She didn't sleep there, but he knew that she'd thrown in some of her belongings when she'd boarded.

The doors detected his presence and opened automatically, allowing Shepard to step inside.

Ashley was quick to turn her head from the stars to greet her visitor. Her eyes widened slightly when she realized it was him.

"Hey Shepard," she greeted. Her voice turned soft, comforting. "I… uh… heard about what happened to your friend, Thane. I'm sorry."

She didn't move from her spot. Apprehensively, Shepard walked up until he was beside her, looking out through the large porthole at the open galaxy with her.

"He died heroically."

"I'm sure," Ashley agreed. "Talked to him a few times myself. Seemed like a nice guy. Always murmuring these Drell prayers, and…" She hesitated briefly, pulling at her gloves, unsure. "I'm pretty sure he blacked out a couple of times, too."

A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of Shepard's mouth.

"Yeah, that's him reliving old memories," he explained. "Freaked me out the first time I saw him do that, too."

"He offered me waffles straight afterwards. That was… nice of him," she finished, a little awkwardly.

Wordlessly, Shepard smiled, slightly. "Yeah, Thane was a generous sort. He wanted to put things right before he… died. Make amends. I'm glad he could do that."

Respectfully, Ashley stayed silent for moment before saying, "For what it's worth, he seemed kind of… content in the hospital. Happy even."

"Yeah… I know," he nodded, mindlessly.

The companionable silence stretched on, until he found himself staring at the bright passing stars as if looking for answers, there was none. So he turned to look at Ash instead. A multitude of emotions rested in her expression, but she didn't verbalize any.

"You okay?" he asked gently. He knew how much he hated it when people asked him that but could think of no other way to broach the subject.

"Yeah," she replied, sounding as nonchalant, impervious, as she could. _That meant she wasn't. _"I'm actually getting a little sick of people asking me that now."

"Considering what happened today, I'd be annoyed if people weren't asking, Ash."

Defiantly, Ashley straightened. "I don't need to hear a pity talk, Skipper. I know I made a mistake. I'll own it, and make it right. That's why I'm here, with you."

Shepard thought back on how it all happened. Ashley had wavered when he'd intervened, indecision and shock was written clearly on her face - she hadn't been expecting him, but she hadn't made a _mistake _either. She was stuck in a tough situation that had the lives of galactic leaders resting squarely on her shoulders, and yet, she quickly took his word when she had no proof of his innocence, or any evidence of Udina's corruption. It was a blind move on her part, and it had meant a lot to him. It meant everything, _proved_ everything. She had to know that.

"Ash," Shepard started. "About today… You did the right thing," he said, genuinely.

"I almost did the wrong thing," she said, not buying into it.

A part of him should've expected her to be defending the council. Not because of her new promotion, but because ultimately, Ashley always tries to do the right thing. She would do what she honestly thinks is the right action to do, under any circumstances, even if it needlessly got herself killed over some pathetic jackass who was undeserving of her protection.

"But you didn't," Shepard stressed. "When it comes down to it, isn't that all that matters?"

"I guess," she began with a shrug. "You're the most level-headed person I know." She met his eyes. "How sure are you about all of this? Think we can pull this off?"

The question took Shepard by surprise. He realized what she was actually asking then.

"Honestly?" Shepard sighed, shook his head, and let the fatigue fill his voice. "I don't know anymore, Ash. This assassin—Kai Leng—shows up out of nowhere, Cerberus invades the citadel, and don't even get me started on this crucible we're building."

"Liara says it'll work—You don't believe it?"

"Things like that are way out of my understanding. I'm just a soldier. I know next to nothing about it, other than our scientists are following the instructions off of some accident blueprint we dug up," he sighed, deeply. "Seems like a long shot."

Ashley drilled home what he already knew. "It's the only shot we've got."

"You're right about that. Let's hope it does the job."

She smiled a little there. "Have a little faith."

"Faith, huh?" He echoed with a sad smile, looking out at the twinkling galaxy. "Sometimes I feel like I'm too old for it." He admitted a moment later.

"Doesn't matter how old you are. Everyone, has to have a little faith in something."

"I do," he countered quietly, meaningfully, locking his eyes firmly on _Ashley_. "I have faith in some things."

Ashley exhaled slowly, glancing down at her hands.

Shepard really hated to see her so down. He couldn't handle this role. He couldn't play the role of the happy-go-lucky person when things were a mess. That was _her_.

"Ash…" He whispered half affectionate, half hopeless.

"I'm fine," she dismissed the thought, quickly. "But look… There's things I have said that I'm not proud of, you know that, right?"

"It all worked out in the end, Ash. When your back is against the wall, trust your gut," he insisted.

"That's the thing… I didn't." Ashley looked down, and seemingly got lost in her thoughts for a brief moment that stretched very, very slow seconds. "Uh, I'm not really making sense at this point. I just keep thinking about how it all happened. It's got me worked up."

Shepard tried to get her talking, air it out.

"Going over the outcomes?" he asked, casually.

"The worst," she admitted.

"What's the worst that could've happened then?"

On cue, Ashley took a few steps over to the small table located beside the couch, and picked up the Cannax pistol that was placed there. With expertise, she extracted a bullet from the weapon. The Lieutenant held it up to show him. "This. Right here, could've killed you," she told him. "Or… somebody else other than Udina. Hell, it could've turned into a full-out firelight If Udina had snapped earlier."

After a shaky exhale, Ash set the weapon back down again, and folded her arms.

"No," he sounded out. "That's not what happened back there."

"Could have."

"_Really_?"

"Yeah…. well, you caught me off-guard, and… I'm… jumpy like that."

"I don't know, Williams. I honestly think that bullet you're looking for is loaded in Udina's clip."

Ashley shot him a knowing look.

Shepard shrugged, and gave her an apologetic smile and looked back out at the stars again. Knowing that his attempt to defuse the situation, and also make her feel a little less guilty had just been caught out. After all his powers of persuasion have been known to work on even the most stalwart subject, but a part of him doesn't want to use any tricks or manipulation on her, because this thing between them is so magnetic, but also incredibly fragile. And he doesn't want to mess anything up anymore than it already is. They'd always be comrades, no matter what, but that's not what he wanted.

It's true that in their professional relationship, Shepard has done absolutely everything to make Ashley question his motives, making it difficult for her to trust him again. Coming back from the brink of _death _played a big part in it. For Ashley, that just doesn't happen, it's not supposed, too. But they were passed that now, and he can see she's seeing things more clearly, understanding. She had fully trusted him before, and she trusted him now, her actions today proved that. Even though, years as a marine have left her hyper-vigilant, instinctively assuming that the unexpected means danger. All the same, she had lowered her weapon so easily at his word, almost stupidly so. And yet, she was beating herself up over it. He couldn't let her.

Their personal relationship however, was another matter entirely, it was hard for him to put it in to words. It's always been her. They've been through so much together, fought in battles, had each others back, shared losses, and he can't help but feel tied to her on a level he can't possibly explain.

She was there when this all started, back when he first pulled her away from that damn beacon on Eden Prime. She was there in the med-bay afterwards, waiting for a chance to apologize for something neither of them had any control over. She was there, in the flesh, supporting him as he was inducted into the spectres. There'd been times when he'd wanted to bang his head (or hers) against a wall out of exasperation. But she was out to prove, and as her Commander he'd been patient. Something had changed a long the way, and he found himself looking at her in a whole different light - she wasn't just a soldier under his Command anymore. He enjoyed their talks, and she was fun to be around. More often than not, they found themselves bordering on what was acceptable and what wasn't.

Losing Kaidan on Virmire had broken them apart only to bring them closer in the end. And when he was stripped of Command, and left sitting on his ass in self-pity, Ash was the one who picked him up, dusted him off, and followed him into hell regardless of the Alliance and their rules, or her family's astounding loyalty to the Alliance.

That kind of history is hard to let go of.

She knew him before he was the legend so many mistake him for now.

But she hasn't always been there.

Nobody has.

But when he stops to think about it, he's never given up on her - not yet, not three years ago, and certainly not now. There hasn't been a day, when he didn't think about her, wondering if she was safe, or if he was going to hear her voice in his earpiece the next day shouting at him to take over, or watch his six.

He stared at Ashley for a moment, a troubled expression was on her face, but Shepard can already tell that some of the tension has left her shoulders.

Ash sighed, uncrossing her arms.

"I know what you're doing," she observed, pausing long enough to glance in the opposite direction. "Just so you know, it's starting to work."

"Good," he said, simply, walking over to her.

Uncertainty was in her eyes now, and Ashley hesitated before speaking.

"But… Where does this whole thing leave us, Shepard?"

"Nothing's changed, Ash," Shepard's hands found her shoulders and gave her a light squeeze. "When I say I need you. I'm not just saying that."

She shrugged. "I guess, after Horizon, and after what happened back there with the council. I suppose I wondered if maybe… if maybe you thought it wasn't worth the trouble anymore."

"It?"

"Us. This." Her lashes lowered to hide her gaze from him. "Me."

"Come on," he intoned with a smile. "'I've got thick skin—have you ever known me to be a quitter?"

"No… But that's not the point."

"Look at me." Brown eyes pierced him. "You'll always be worth it," he murmured softly to her. John heard himself talking before his brain caught up, finally speaking openly. For some reason he had to. He needed her to _know_. "You were so vibrant, so driven. You'd never stop no matter what. And sometimes you were stupid about it, you'd gladly give up your life to redeem your name—to show the Alliance what you're made of." Shepard watched Ashley's face as he spoke, watching as her eyes melt, mold into her deep inner thoughts. "I couldn't let you," he admitted, quietly. Guilt quickly settling in his gut, the events of Virmire threatening to bumble forth.

"I felt I owed _him_ that," Ashley cut in.

"Yeah… you did." Shepard nodded slowly, knowing what she was referring to. "You'd give up your whole world for it, without a second thought. And you gave up your world for me, without a second thought—when we went to Ilos. You became special, different and…-" He paused to gently inhale air to form his next words. "When I saw you laying there… on the ground, motionless on Mars.. I…"

"Shepard…" Ashley came out her trance, halting him. "I… I think I get what you're saying."

"I'm saying you're worth it—you're worth all of it," he clarified firmly. "I'm saying not fighting for us. This. You. That's not an option anymore, Ash."

The admission hung in the air between them, as he stood there, heart and soul in front of her.

Ashley's eyes were vulnerable, as she searched his.

Shepard's own eyes scanned over her face, and he's suddenly overcome with a yearning to reach out and run his thumb over that solitary freckle on her cheek. But he didn't. Before he knew it though, she was in his arms instead. He gently wrapped his arms around her. It was like a moth to a flame, a bee to a hive, a child to its mother. You always clung to what you knew, understood and loved.

Ashley froze on the spot, standing awkwardly at first, seemingly undecided of what an appropriate response would be, but Shepard didn't let go. With her, he knew it was all about giving her time to adjust. Sure enough, he eventually felt her melt into his arms as she gave in to the comforting embrace, hands slowly sneaking up his back to rest on his shoulders. He'd always want her in his life. It pained him to think he'd almost lost this women permanently on Mars. Having her this close to him made it easy to forget everything and just let go for once. To forget the past and not have to think about anything but just let himself feel, be wrapped up in her scent which was quickly becoming all too familiar again as he breathed her in.

Shepard heard her inhale deeply against him, and he smiled.

"After today, you just looked like you needed a hug," he murmured, half serious. "And I figured if you were indifferent to me, you'd have punched me by now."

That seemed to work, as Ash choked a laugh, igniting a spark of hope deep within him that maybe they hadn't screwed things up beyond repair after all. And even if they had, he's a stubborn bastard, who'd refuse to acknowledge it.

"Thanks," she mumbled into his shoulder.

"Anytime, Ash," he returned with the same affection. "I hope you know that."

* * *

**A/N**_**: **__Hey everybody, this is my first attempt at fanfiction. It's short, but I hope this piece flows okay. I just checked over it roughly so there's a good chance of spelling mistakes and what have you. _

_In my game, I didn't even get the option to shoot Ash, or to persuade her. She automatically lowered her gun and even defended Shepard in front of Udina, (which completely made my day) not to mention, the firm handshake and respectful salute my Shepard got afterwards in the docking bay to boot. The lines from Shepard were good enough, and I felt that Shepard's faithfulness to Ashley definitely paid off in this scene(s) as it displayed the faith Ashley still has in Shepard nicely, and also showed how close they are in comparison with a non-romanced/unfaithful Shepard. However, they did brush over the whole scenario afterwards, so I decide to write this up._

_Got any ideas or suggestions for my next instalment on this site? Let me know! _


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